"Wreck the Malls" (an "Urban Assault" carol)

I don’t have an unlimited supply of Christmas-themed fractals so I decided to go with one called Winter Wreath. (Dunno how many more “urban assault” carols I’ll be posting but I thought you’d get tired of an endless series of Holiday-themed images.) As for the song-- you can probably figure out that this is my own parody of “Deck the Halls”: as far as I know it sprang from my own fevered imagination. After the fact I learned of a song of the same title by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corps (with the same theme and similar lyrics) but I promise you I’ve never heard it. Maybe this is a case of great minds thinking alike…

Wreck the Malls this Christmas Season
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Punch a sales clerk for no reason.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Steal some gifts then trash a dsplay
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Celebrate the season this way!
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
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Taunt and moon the Christmas Singers
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Steal the cash from those bell ringers.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Key some cars then slash their tires.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Light some lovely Yuletide fires.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
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All attack the fat old Mall Cop
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Punch his face, kick his butt! Don’t stop!
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Insult the shoppers on your rambles.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!
Leave the Mall in total shambles.
Nyan-nyan-nyan-nan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nyan-nya!

Jingle Bells for the 21st Century (an "Urban Assault" Carol

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Abstract Christmas Bells. Since I’m posting my own version of “Jingle Bells” it seemed quite appropriate. As for the “carol” itself--I unabashedly stole the first two lines from a comedy bit from the Rick Dees in the Morning show (when he was still on KIISFM). The way it was preformed suggested the rest of the song to me.

CHORUS
Jingle bells, jingle bells! Let’s go all the way!
It’s so nice to know for sure that Santa isn’t gay. (Yay!)
Jingle bells, jingle bells! Let’s go all the way!
It’s so nice to know for sure that Santa isn’t gay.
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I went off to the Mall--to buy a gift or three.
I smiled at Santa Clause. He waved and winked at me.
He said: “we should hook up--and maybe have a drink.”
I thought it sounded good to me. “I’ll be back in a blink!”
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REPEAT CHORUS
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We ended up in back of a really cute Boutique.
Then Santa grabbed my butt and tried to kiss my cheek.
I said “don’t touch me there!” but Santa wouldn’t stop.
And so I filed a big law suit--and now I own his shop!
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REPEAT CHORUS

The Imigrants Oh Christmas Tree (an "Urban Assault" Carol)

Like so many bits of my doggerel this one got started when I was fooling around (On this particular occasion I was singing "O Christmas Tree" in a thick Mexican accent.) Words started tumbling out and before I knew it I had three stanzas of yet another "urban assault" carol Trying singing it aloud (in the accent of your choice) and you find it works quite well. The fractal that goes with this post is called Christmas Tree (what else?)

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Please tell me when Christmas will be.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Please tell me when Christmas will be.
Is it here now--or coming soon?
Is it in April, May or June?
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Please tell me when Christmas will be.

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O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
There’s something that’s been bugging me.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
There’s something that’s been bugging me.
I’ve seen your stuff up in the store
For seven months--no eight or more!
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
There’s something that’s been bugging me.

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O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Can someone please explain to me?
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Can someone please explain to me?
The parties and the gifs are nice--
What’s this about the birth of Christ?
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!
Can someone please explain to me?

Movin'On

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Moving On. Today’s poem is entitled Movin’ On which I wrote way back in 1975 as a college class assignment. I used to write a lot of stuff like this back in the day so I thought I’d share some of that work.

Autumn leaves
Blowing down cold, dawn-lit streets
Rustling like an old woman’s skirts.
Carrying away my shattered hopes
Going nowhere, as I am
Movin’ on.
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School children
Playing on fresh-cut morning lawns
Singing like sun-crazed birds,
Preying on my innocent dreams.
Never caring, as I once was
Movin’ on.
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City traffic
Crawling among day-dark downtown canyons
Growling like an angry beast,
Rolling over my unwanted hate.
Going nowhere, as I am
Movin’ on.
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Wilderness flowers
Weaving through their daily, dreamlike ballet
Waltzing in breeze-driven arabesques
Mocking my wasted life.
Never caring, as I once was
Movin’ on.
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Cumulus clouds
Coursing over the sunset diorama
Fleeing like a frightened street mob
Magnifying my unlimited fears.
Going nowhere, as I am
Movin’ on.
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Glittering stars
Spinning on their night-dark carousel
Droning like rainbow-hued bes
Releasing my final thoughts
Never caring, as I once was
Movin’ on.

I'm Still Here

Today's post begins with a fractal called Serenity Infinity. It seemed an appropriate choice for a poem about reincarnation. Now--some info about what you'll be reading ...

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I'm Still Here was written by Stephen Sondheim for his Broadway show Follies. The song tells the story of a woman who's been through a lot of changes in her life yet somehow is still up and kicking. This got me thinking about someone who has lived life after live--and thus I wrote this. Hope you enjoy it.

* * * * *

Good lives and bad lives. I’ve had ‘em all, now I’m here!
Happy and sad lives, short lives and long ones my dear, mow I’m here.
Had a coronary while playing cards
Crushed by a boulder–that was hard.
Been a Detective for Scotland Yard–now I’m here.
I spent a life making beer–now I’m here!

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I’ve been a wombat. I’ve been a Kodiak bear--now I’m here.
I died in combat, next life I lost all my hair--now I’m here.
I was a Monarch Butterfly.
Been Mahatma Gandhi-–what a guy!
I was a nudist-–don’t ask me why my dear.
I’ve been exceedingly queer–now I’m here!

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I’ve gotten through Crromwell and various witch hunts
Gee, that was fun and a half!
I made it through bubos but died of a flu bug.
What can you do but just laugh?

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Died playing baseball, lived through the Siege of Berlin–-now I’m here.
On the Titanic, died when the water rushed in-–now I’m here.
I was a bath slave in ancient Rome.
I was a trapper up in Nome.
I was a spinster who never left home-–now I’m here.
I milked a lot of reindeer. Now I’m here!

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I’ve lived with riches. I’ve been a mother of four–-now I’m here.
Sell-swords and witches–one life I begged door to door-–now I’m here.
I ruled a Kingdom in the East then I was trampled by a beast.
I choked to death at a feast. Now I’m here.
I’ve been the best to the least—now I’m here!

But I'm still heeeeere!

Chri$tma$ At Costco

Today's post begins with a fractal called Tis The Season. If you haven't already figured out the reason I chose the image then you probably won't get it from my explanation. ANYway--on with the explanation for writing this poem.

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I really like Costco: we buy the bulk of our food at Costco and that's where we buy our gas and get our prescriptions filled. I also love Christmas--the presents, the decorations, everything about it! But it bothers me that Costco starts putting out their Christmas stuff WAY too early! Thus I wrote this little ditty for your listening and dancing pleasure.

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It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Let the bells ring out with joy!
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
For every little girl and boy!
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
All the crap is on the shelves
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
So you’d best prepare yourselves.
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It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Lots of things for homes and yards
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Buy a thousand Chri$tmas$ Cards!
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
A fully-decorated tree
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Giant Stars in packs of three!
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It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
You must not sit on the fence
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Purchase lights and ornaments
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Buy your gifts from here and yon
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Come December its all gone
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It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Everything you want or need
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Buy it now, yes, yes, indeed!
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Get a gift for gal or dude
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Be it tchotchkes, clothes or food
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It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Sound the horn and beat the drum
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Yes that happy time has come.
It’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
And it couldn’t get much worse
Yes it’s Chri$tma$ at Costco
Since it’s just September First!

A "Politically Correc"t Nursery Rhyme

Today's fractal, Peachy, isn't relative at all to the image. I just picked it because I hadn't used anything of this color before. As for the poem--I remember reading like "in the politically-correct world of today's Nursery Rhymes relevant content is more important than that the poem rhyme or scan." At that point I just had to write one. The poem and image are dedicated to my two newest grand-nieces Madison and MacKenzie Manley who were born to their parents "Mance" and Mennifer" on July 14.

Little Ms. Muffet, a Mayor

Relaxed in a comfortable chair

After a refreshing jog.

A Spider of a different social strata

Approached her with an ethnic matter.

And she engaged it in meaningful dialog.

More "Free Association Bullsh##"--this time with Robyn's Help!

Today’s post begins with a fractal image called Zimple Zpiral. It has no relevance whatsoever to the poem below. (I just picked it because I thought it was pretty and it has a mostly-black background.)
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As for the poem itself, Robyn and I wrote it together way back in 1979: It was our first collaborative poem. We think it was supposed to be part of something larger but can’t remember what. In the end, I suppose this is just more “free-association bullsh#t that rhymes and scans. That, and I’m way to enamored of Lewis Carroll’s poetry.

ONCE UPON A NIGHTMARE

It was once upon a Nightmare
In the Land of Broken Dreams.
With a King who rules All Emptiness
Where’s nothing’s as it seems.
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The King dwelt in his palace
Of Fantasy and Light.
He chained the Sun so it would stay
And hide him from The Night.
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For he feared the Truth of Darkness
In a world he sought to bind
Lest some Dragon of the Real World
Blast the Gardens of his Mind.
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A Gift they brought unto him.
A Maiden Wise and Fair
A gift of love--or so they said
For the Kingdom dying there.
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He loved the maid and Wed her
And gave his pow’r away.
Then she Betrayed her Husband-King
And held him in her sway.
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She broke his Will. She broke his Mind
And killed The Land with Magic.
The King fought back but could not win
Which made his Fall more tragic.
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She drove him to the Brink of Doom
And set the Sun to fleeing.
The Truth laid bare, she showed him there
In the Darkness for his seeing.
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She buried all his wondrous dreams
So he could not see or feel them.
And laid a Curse on the tiny box
So he dared not try to Steal them.
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When she was done the King was gone.
(He would not Live his Fate.)
And she did not see his Final Jest
Until it was too late.
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For with his dreams the King had fled.
Into the Box she Sealed
And left him with a Wounded Soul
That never would be healed.
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So now there’s just the Nightmare
In the Land of Broken Dreams
And a Queen who rules the Emptiness
But her grief is what it seems.

Yestergay

Today's post begins with a fractal called Marital Pride and I'll leave it to you to decide the relevance to the post below. The first few lines of this riff on the Beatles' song "Yesterday" after I heard the word "Yestergay" on a VH1 program sometime in the spring of 2006. After reviewing this I'm not sure it's one of my best efforts but I thought I'd put it out for your perusal.

Yestergay
You were gay but now you’re straight today.
Your preference have gone the other way.
How can this be, my Yestergay?

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Suddenly
You’ve decided you’re as straight as me
And I wonder just how this can be.
Oh yestergay, came suddenly.

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Why this thing is so,
I don’t know, and you can’t say.
I said “something’s wrong!”
How I long for yesterday (ay-yay-yay) yesterday.

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You’d light up a room with your sashay.
Now you’re hitting on my girl today.
I don’t believe this, yestergay!

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Why this thing is so,
I don’t know, and you can’t say.
I said “something’s wrong!”
How I long for yesterday (Oy-vey-yey) yesterday.

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I don’t see
The point of metrosexuality.
Why can’t we all be what we’re meant to be?
Then we could all live happily!
Mmm-mm-mm. I don’t believe in–yestergay.

The Sunworshippers' Ballad

This poem (written in May of 1979) was inspired by a foggy day on San Diego Bay. I didn’t realize my skin had been cooked until I got back to shore and the sun hit me. (Ouch!) The fractal image is called Huitzilopochtili, named after the Aztec God of Fire. Read the poem and you’ll understand.

I’ll sing you a song of a handsome young couple
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
Their bodies were muscled, quite graceful and supple
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
But one day last fall
These two met their downfall
At the beach on an overcast day.
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The maiden she swam in the cool-blue sea water
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
And a youth and I watched what we shouldn’t ought'er.
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
And the Lord then us blessed
As the maiden undressed
To catch her some sun at mid-day.
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We watched from the shelter of high-growing plants
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
Said the youth “I must have her!” as he dropped his short pants.
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
Said I, “you won’t mind
I’ll remain in the blind.
You’ve no competition today.”
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The naked young rowdy approached the sweet lass
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
And she slapped him quite soundly--the lady had class
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
She ran for the water
And that’s where he caught her
And dragged her protesting away!
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But her screams of dismay very soon turned to laughter
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
As the maiden found out what her young man was after
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
And while I boldly watched
They danced and debauched
All their pleasure was there on display.
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And after the romp the two fell off to sleep
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
Then in rolled a fog that was quite thick and deep.
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
And I saw with sad eyes
What a nasty surprise
They would get at the end of the day.
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She sunset was nigh she awakened her swain
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
She did it by screaming and yelling in pain
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
For although it was Autumn
Her back and her bottom
Were cooked like a well-done filet.
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He awoke to her moaning and added his cry
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
“Sweet Jesus and Mary! I’m going to die!”
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
On his back he had lied
And his “beef stick” was fried
(What did you expect me to say?)
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I took them and bathed them and put them on ice
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
(I did it because I‘m so terribly nice)
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
For their horrible pain
Nearly drove them insane
And “I warned you” was all I would say.
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So there is the lesson--you can take it from me
Sing nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
The advice is quite good and I offer it free
Hey nonny-nonny-ho, nonny-hey!
For a burn without sun
Isn’t very much fun
So beware of an overcast day!

Thus one was inspired by Robyn's Mom...

Today's post b3gins with a fractal called Roses for Mother since it was Robyn's Mom who inspired the work. She once said: "you're so talented and creative--why can't you clean up after yourself?" and I was off and running. In the end I think it expresses the frustration that parents often feel with their children. And, as you can see--I've also been writing silly doggerel for many, many years. (I've also been doing strange things with capitalization . . .)

Can you hear my silent song?

A chordless melody

Can you reach the farthest star

And bring it down to me?

* * *

Can you say some garbled words

That cast a Spell of Love?

Can you climb the Stair of Smoke

That leads to Realms Above?

* * *

Can you see the Mystic Jewel,

The Key to the Crystal Maze?

Can you shine a Bacon Light

To penetrate the Haze?

* * *

Now can you move the World for me

And make the Sun stand still?

Then can you turn the Moon to cheese

And then go eat your fill?

* * *

My dear your gifts are great enough

To halt onrushing Doom.

But though you do these won'd'rous things

Why can't you clean your room?

* * *

In Praise of Cats

This post begins with the fractal image called Feathery Crown. It has no relation whatsoever to the poem below (well maybe because cats like to play with feathery cat toys) but I thought it was kind of pretty.
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I am not an advocate of eating pets (unless one is really, really hungry!) but I'm much more a fan of canines then felines. This poem sprang from a quick made by my friend "Rook" Ransey. He said: "people who don't like cats just don't know how to cook 'em!" and this poem took shape in a matter of minutes.

Cats are lovely. Cats are good.

Cats enrich your neighborhood.

Cats are perfect. Cats are fine.

Cats taste best when cooked with wine.

Boiled or baked or in a stew

Feline meat is good for tyou.

So, served in sauce or en flambe

Lets all eat pussy every day!

On Creative Commentary

This is one I wrote a long time ago during a Creative Writing class way back in college. I presented what I thought was a very serious, very deep peom--only to have one of the class members call it "Artsy Fartsy" while someone else labeled it as "Cutsey-poo." I was a little hurt so I went home and wrote this in response.
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The fractal is called Voidstar. I picked it for now good reason other than I liked it.

"Artsy-fartsy," "cutsie-poo!"

Pray these names fall not on you.

For high-flown lines and lyric tone

Bore me through from fat to bone.

Hidden meanings, metaophor phrase.

Twelve-letter words and other ways

Of showing us all how smart you are.

It's really sad you've gone too far.

Yet still I wish you much elation

As you display your new creation.

I know it's coming from your heart--see?

I just wish it weren't so Artsy Fartsy!

The First Meow

I worte this "filk" song (i.e. "parody for those of you not in the know) last December after Robyn pointed out the title from a book of cat-themed holiday parodies. You can sing this to the tune of "The First Noel" (duh!). It is one of my many "Urban Assault Carols" but since it doesn't have a holiday theme I felt OK about publishing this in March.
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The fractal is called Bast in honor of the Egyptian Goddess of Cats. I think the reason I chose it is farly obvious.

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The first “meow” came just after dawn.
While me and my sweetheart were getting it on.
The two of us were both tucked up in bed.
When her Maine Coon kitty cat jumped on my head.

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“Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!”
Those claws on my scalp sure hurt me and how!

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The next “meow” came late the next hour.
When me and my sweetheart were both in the shower.
That kitty was wet—and mad as could be.
So he jumped up and bit me right on the left knee.

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“Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!”
The teeth and the claw marks sure hurt me and how!

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The next “meow” came just before noon.
When me and my sweetheart had started to spoon.
The cat jumped up. (I thought he would watch.)
But that horrid creature went straight for my crotch!

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“Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!”
The pain was so awful it still hurts right now!

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The last “meow” came at Two Fifty-four.
I had packed up my things and was just out the door.
Her cat tripped me up just at the top stair.
And I screamed and I cried as I flew through the air.

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“Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!” “Meow!”
At least I am dead so I can’t hear it now.

Cali Boyz

I wrote this poem for my nieces Melissa when we were talking about her dating troubles Read it and you may find that it echoes problems found by many single women here in the Golden State. The fractal is called Venus in honor of the Greek Goddess of Love.

OC boys are insincere.
L.A. boys are plastic.
I.E. boys are strange my dear.
San Diego Boys are spastic.
Palm Springs boys are hot and sweaty.
Big Bear boys are way too petty.
Berkeley boys are egghead jerks
Ventura boys are brain-dead flirts.
San Francisco? Don’t go there!
East Bay boyz give you a scare.
Central Valley? Aggie freaks!
Silicon Valley? Total Geeks!
Sacramento? Not today!
I hate the boys from San Jose.
NorCal boys love to hug a tree.
(But why oh why won’t they hug me?)
I tried them all, their flaws revealed.
My God who’s left? Yep, Bakersfield!!!!

The Question Circle

The first stanza of this poem just popped into my head one day so I just sat down and started writing and writing and writing until this popped out. One of the critics I showed it to thought it was an allegory of human life. Another one thought it was nothing more than "free association bullsh#t". I'll leave it you you to decide what you may think it is. I had fun writing it and I hope you enjoy the reading.

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The fractal below is called Cinteotl--I picked it because it was colored gold. Read the first line of the poem and you'll see why.

Have you seen the Golden Queen?

Tell me What and Who you've been.

Tell me of the Things you've Seen.

Then answer this--what does it mean?

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And on your Journey did you gaze

Upon a Pool or Garden Maze

And traveled thence by Hidden Ways

On Paths your feet dare not retrace?

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The Questions circle in a Dance

Ordained by Fate and Happenstance.

And you are summoned--not by chance

To Seek and Find this storied manse.

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Winters, Summers, Spring and fall

Waiting here behind the Wall.

Their metronome a Siren's call

The Measure moving One and All.

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Riddles wrapped in Rhyme and Song

Began a dance where none belong

To send the Dancers--weak and strong,

To places far--both right and wrong.

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The dancers lost in Space and Thyme

Confounded by a Runic Rhyme

All await the Perfect Prime

But fear the Final Hour's chime.

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What's the Key, and where's the Lock?

Whose the Hands to stop the Clock?

How can humans stand the shock?

Why live a Life that Fate will mock?

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The Dancers circle up and back

--the Golden Queen's a Ruined Shack--

And all will Suffer for the Loack

As Lightnings flash and Thunders crack!

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The Question Circle now Complete

You stand before the Judgement Seat.

Did you win through, or meat Defeat?

And is the ending, Sad or Sweet?

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Now if you've guessed what this must mean

To all the Places that you've seen

And all the People you have been,

Say--have you seen the Golden Queen?